The art of listening
by Marcus Loane
10th Nov 2009
Good
listeners are quite rare and when you come across one it can be quite a
refreshing surprise. The good listeners in my life stand out in my memory. A
good listener gives you the feeling that they are genuinely interested in what
you have to say and want to understand you. A good listener will not interrupt
you as you speak or finish your sentences for you, or make you feel hurried.
Often when we talk with someone we are not really engaging fully with them and
we are just waiting for them to finish so we can say our piece. Your
conversation partner will sense this.
Being a better listener is a worthwhile aim. It will improve your
relationships and help you conduct successful teamwork in business and it
will make you more approachable. We can all be better listeners and it is
an area where I know I can improve.
How to be a better listener:
Make eye
contact. Nod. Use appropriate body language such as turning towards the speaker
or moving closer.
Avoid
distractions such as phones and television so that you are giving the speaker
all your attention.
Do not
interrupt and look/feel impatient.
Use
silence.
Really
try and understand what you are being told and try to see the world the way the
other person does rather than internally being dismissive or disagreeing or
thinking how it impacts you.
Allow the
other person to pause and gather their thoughts. The focus is on them for now,
it's not on you.
Hear them
out. Let them finish.
Ask
questions to extract more detail. Ask empowering questions, not questions which
will put the speaker on the defensive. Use encouraging feedback (speech, body
language, facial expressions).
Do not
take the shine off someone's story by immediately telling your own. For example
if someone has been on holiday, ask them about the details, do not immediately
start comparing with one of yours. Let the other person take the limelight and
be happy for their joy. Feed their joy by being interested. Do not have a
been-there done-that attitude.
Do not
jump to conclusions or assume you know what the speaker is going to say next.
We all have our unique thought processes and ways of expressing ourselves.
It is
often useful to sometimes restate what the speaker has said in a slightly
different form, to show them that you have got what they are saying. "So
you think that we could.." or "That must
have been exciting for you.."
You do not always have to give your opinion or advice on a topic. Often
the speaker just wants to be understood or empathised with. Realise that they
see the world differently from you and it may be better to keep quiet about how
you would react in their situation.
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